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Jokes

# 76  8/6/13 12:44 PM

A female vicar sadly dies, her spirit goes to the doorway to heaven but before she can enter an angel says she has to correctly answer a question, so the female vicars spirit says ok then what's the question, the angel says the question is = what did Eve say when she first saw Adam? The vicars spirit says hmmm that's a hard one, the angel says yep you're right go in!

# 77  8/6/13 11:48 PM

'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

# 78  11/26/13 8:41 PM

jack and jill
   
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side 'When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,' he said. 'I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large... 'I told her, 'of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. 'Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.'

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

'Exactly,' replied Jack. 'I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that.'

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. 'Try these on,' she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. 'I can't possibly get into your knickers,' said Jack.
'Exactly,' replied Jill. 'And if you don't change your bloody attitude, you never will.'

# 79  11/26/13 11:38 PM

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!                                       

# 80  11/27/13 11:04 AM

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Stafford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realise that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

# 81  1/22/14 10:38 PM

davel2985 wrote:

An Englishman goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to 'Mum and Dad' on the bed.

                             With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:

Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend.
I've found real love and he is so nice.  Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle.

But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the forest.

He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too.

I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends.
They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.
In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better.
He deserves it.

Don't worry about money.  Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal
make in their basement.  Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more
than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the donkey.

Don't worry Mum.  Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself.
Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Your loving daughter,

Sandra

P.S. Dad, it's not true.  I'm watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the Ashes.

# 82  2/22/14 2:56 PM

Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?

He got stuck in Orbit!



                  How to Annoy Your Waiter:
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

# 83  2/23/14 9:00 PM

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down at the car park by the Houses of Parliament.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.

See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.

# 84  3/10/14 8:17 PM

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disk.*