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Jokes

# 1  10/13/12 2:06 PM

Old chinese saying;
Naked man walking through swinging door is going to Bangkok

Like

# 2  10/17/12 3:48 PM

Let's try again.....
How do you find a blond in tall grass?
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Very satisfying, thank you.

# 3  10/19/12 9:15 PM

A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, "How much money is in there?"
The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, "26,000,000.."
The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, "So is it for the poor? Or is it lika a charity?"
The bartender shook his head."No no no! That money is for the first person to complete three tasks."
A little curious, the man said, "Is that so? Well, I'm sure I could get them done, so what are they?"
Grinning slightly, the bartender replied, "First task: You must chug down a 5 gallon bucket of beer. Second task: You must pull a rotten tooth from a wolf with rabies. Then for your final task, you must have sex with a 100 year old grandmother located upstairs."
The man gulped a little, but replied, "Well, that still sounds like a deal!"
The man chugged down the 5 gallon bucket of beer. Woozy, he told the bartender to take him out to the wolf with rabies. "Leave me here! This could get rough," the man said in a fury of slurred words, as the bartender let him go and walked back in to tend to the customers.
Minutes later he heard the wolf yelping and crying out. "Man, he must really have a thing with animals. He's probably pulled that tooth right out."
The bartender looked up in wonder as the man stumbled through the door and yelled in a drunken voice, "Now where's that old lady with the rotten tooth?"

# 4  10/21/12 5:11 PM

Poepies wrote:

Let's try again.....
How do you find a blond in tall grass?

haha

Also about blondes: (very very old joke but funny one)

"A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she
decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the
country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a
flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have
a try.
The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked
like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog
back?""

# 7  10/21/12 7:16 PM

All of these are funny. My friend actually sent me last one and she's a blonde herself. Just like you she is able to laugh in spite of that fact.

# 8  10/23/12 12:33 AM

A pirate goes into a bar with a stearing wheel between his legs,the bartender says "you have a stearing wheel between your legs" the pirate says"arg, I know and its drivin me nuts".

# 9  10/23/12 6:03 PM

Good one katdog
A horse walks into the pub, the bartender looks at the horse and asks, "And why the long face?"

# 10  10/23/12 6:28 PM

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?" The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the river
to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get a drink
of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the jungle.

He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The
crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says,  ......."Dude! How much water did you
drink?!"

# 11  10/24/12 9:31 AM

Cant stop laughig. Great story

# 12  10/24/12 3:09 PM

For his birthday little Michael asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Michael heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Michael told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait cause she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike."

# 13  10/24/12 6:19 PM

@ Fabienne Glad it made somebody laugh.
@MKEY-BOY



Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any  grounds for a divorce on the fact that she is insane or crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was insane or crazy...
I said she was fucking Goofy

# 15  10/30/12 9:30 AM

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.'

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that...'

# 16  10/30/12 3:41 PM

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry. I have
two buddies sitting out
in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget
about the anesthetic and
just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a
10:00 AM tee time at the
best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I
don't have time to wait
for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this
is surely a very brave
man asking to have his tooth pulled without using
anything to kill the pain.
So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your
mouth Honey, and show him."

# 17  10/30/12 9:42 PM

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

# 18  11/3/12 4:55 PM

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

# 19  11/5/12 6:38 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they
only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought
for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Pete and Jacob. My parrots can
teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are
sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you", the woman responded. "This may very well be
the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Pete, our prayers have been answered!"

# 21  11/5/12 11:00 PM

Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas. As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them.

Noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help. When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn't have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan. He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by. He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, "Sisters, somehow I don't think that's going to work, but I sure do admire your faith!"

# 22  11/5/12 11:13 PM

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them, through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn. As Dracula hangs on. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts,"...get the f*ck off our car!!!!!

# 24  11/7/12 11:02 AM

A man and woman were making love after their first date.
The woman says " Wow you are really going for it"
The man says " Yeah,I haven't had any sex for the last 6 months"
"6 months,really? Where have you been? Prison?" asks the lady.
"No, the VD clinic",came the reply.
The lady says "Oooh, what's the food like? I'm going there tomorrow!"