Why we fall in Love

Relationships are complicated at the best of time aren’t they? In recent weeks we’ve seen high profile celebrities, who the general public thought were, totally in love with each other, effectively fall by the wayside. We read about their glamorous weddings and saw snaps of them celebrating being a couple, and now it doesn’t look set to last. A single friend only commented last night that she wonders when people walk down the street arm in arm, or pushing prams are they really that happy or is it just an act and they feel like they have to be in a relationship? Gosh, at one time it was said love made the world go round – and in my camp I still think it does! So, on a positive note what does make us fall in love with each other?

Physical attraction is surely the number one element in a relationship – but not so, many people are drawn to each other because they share a common interest. Which is why it is so important to read everyone’s profile that gets in touch with you, or appears in your matches, even those without a photo. If they have a good profile and shared interests, they may just be your match!

Have a think about all of your couple friends. Are there any that stand out to you because they seem an odd fit? Chalk and cheese? In all our walks of life, we have had experiences, be they good or bad, but they have essentially shaped us to the person we are today. When looking for a partner we subconsciously think about our experiences and look for someone who has a similar background to us. We look for a match that complements who we are, in a bid to try and learn from that person. They may have been through the same experiences, or similar but they will have different coping strategies to ours, and it’s these we wish to learn from.

A friend said the other day that she feels that her partner has a very calming approach to life, and is very calming on her. She was once a 24/7 party girl, and could come across as quite wild. She could cook up a storm in a t-cup and before you knew it a small issue was the size of the Himalayas! Now she takes on whatever the issue is, usually talks to her fabulous partner about it, but nothing is a drama anymore. She is still great company to have at party, and in essence she hasn’t changed her personality, she’s just calmer and incredibly happy!

There are many studies that detail the opposites attract theory in a relationship, and some look at the actual roles people assume in a relationship. A famous psychotherapist called Henry Dicks, became a guru in relationships and coined the phrase the ‘unconscious fit’. This is when two people, whatever their separate personal histories, once together have an inexplicable feeling of wholeness. In relationships there are a few common types of the ‘unconscious fit’:

Master and slave – in this relationship one partner will typically feel insecure in the relationship but will dominate in the home. Their partner feels smug that they have met a match for their laid back attitude, and will dutifully toe the line at home when told!

Idol and worshipper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

In addition to the unconscious fit types, there are those couples who just look ideal with each other:

The ones who look so alike, that occasionally they’ll unconsciously wear the same outfit! They share most of the same interests, but importantly have a few self interests, to ensure that they keep their own friends and have time out of the relationship. They tend to dislike the same things, and when it comes to compromise it’s not the same partner backing down all the time. They argue but are also intimate, and whilst not necessarily passionate in public, know what works for each other in private. They are proud of each other and their relationship. They share common goals and hope to grow old together.

All relationships have good and bad times, and it’s working together to make the good the brilliant, and the bad times, go away. So if you’re starting out with online dating, but seeing friends and the celebrities falling apart at the seams of their relationships, there is hope out there and they do say, love makes the world go round – so best of luck!